Conker's Good Fur Day
by PatrickSim
Summary: When bad things go good....Not as cheesy as it sounds...(Complete)...For those of you who have been following this story, please review the entire thing..that's right...critizize me...
1. Hungover

Conker's Good Fur Day  
  
Written By: "PatrickSim"  
  
Prologue  
  
Berri's Message: Hi. You've reached, like, Berri's place. I'm not available to answer the phone, obviously! However, if you leave your, like, name and number, and sound cute,maybe I'll ring you back. Ciao!  
  
"Hi Berri. Hello?......If your there Berri, pick up. Hello? Ok, anyways, look...I'm gonna be a bit late tonight..."Said Conker. "Met up with a couple of guys and they're gonna go fight some war somewhere tomorrow, I dunno..Well anyways, I'll see ya...uh...love you!  
  
"Hey Conker, put the phone down and get over here," said a squirrel.  
  
"Okay,...whose round is it?" Asked Conker.  
  
"Yours!" answered everyone.  
  
"What? Again? Okay..."  
  
-Some Time Later-  
  
"I don't feel so good now," Said Conker. "You guys enjoy yourselves and I'll see you some time next week. I'll go this way...no, that's to the toilet, I'll go this way then. Yup, that's better."  
  
*Vomitting Outside*  
  
"Sorry about that old chap. Gotta go," said Conker.  
  
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Chapter One: Hungover  
  
Conker wakes up and looks around.  
  
"Oh no....It's gonna be one of those days..." moaned Conker.  
  
Conker walks around trying to find out where he was. He walks past a scarecrow.  
  
"Well hello there, you don't seem to be doing so well...may I be of some help you cute little thing?" asked Birdy.  
  
"Oh hello, my name is Conker, and I need to go home to get some rest," answered Conker. "can you tell me which way to go?"  
  
"Home? I don't believe I know where your house is you silly little thing."  
  
"So you can't help me"  
  
"Actually yes I can, maybe..."  
  
"Um....ok...what's your name?"  
  
"Birdy"  
  
"Birdy? But you don't have a beard"  
  
"I can get one if it means getting you sugar"  
  
"Huh? Wha....?"  
  
"Nothing, just step over here you sexy little thing"  
  
"What?! Ok....if it means getting me home..."  
  
"You see those buttons? They're called context sensitive."  
  
*Presses B*  
  
-Light Bulb appears over Conker's head-  
  
"Oh yeah, there's a ting noise."  
  
*Ting*  
  
"That's it? How does that help me?"  
  
"Err....go over there and press B again"  
  
Conker stumbles over to the next "context sensitive" and presses B. Conker remembers that he had a bottle of Alka-Seltzer and puts one in a glass of water. He chugs it down and feels sober again.  
  
"Wow, just what I needed. Well, I guess I'll be heading that way now.."  
  
Conker starts walking up the path until he reaches to the top where he meets a smiling gargoyle.  
  
"Hello handsome," greeted the gargoyle.  
  
"Huh?" asked Conker.  
  
"If you think your going this way, you can think again......unless you can beat me at Pokemon!"  
  
"What? Your nothing compared to me, you'll be screaming for mercy like there's no tomorrow"  
  
Conker and the gargoyle engage in a pokemon card battle. Gargoyle whip out a charmander and evolves it into a Charizard. Conker, not being a fan of pokemon, swiped a card from the gargoyle's shoe box when he wasn't looking. He drew out is card, which was a weedle.  
  
"Ha! A weedle, you stupid little...."  
  
In laughing, the gargoyle lost his footing and fell off the bridge.  
  
Conker took all of the pokemon cards and went back to sell it to Birdy.  
  
"Finally, now I can jack off to something other then digimon cards!" exclaimed Birdy.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Nothing.."  
  
In doing that, Conker made a few bucks and procceeded. He walked up to the entrance where the gargoyle was guarding when a boulder fell on him, causing him to die.  
  
-Death-  
  
Conker is laying face down on the ground.  
  
"CONKER! CONKER! CONKER!"  
  
Conker starts waking up...  
  
"YES YOU BOY! YOU'RE DEAD! DEADER THAN A DODO. DEADER THAN SPICE GIRLS. DEADER THAN....."  
  
Gregg walks out of the darkness holding a megaphone as the megaphone malfunctions.  
  
"I can't be arsed with these bloody ridiculous contraptions. Whose idea was this anyway?" said Gregg annoyinged. "Yes, right, hello...I'm Gregg, the grim reaper, and don't laugh!"  
  
"Aren't you a little short to be a grim reaper?" asked Conker.  
  
"Well how many grim reapers have you met before mate? What am I suppose to look like?"  
  
"Yeah, good point, well made."  
  
"Now let's see....Conker.....Conker...surname?"  
  
"The squirrel"  
  
"The squirrel....the....Oh bloody hell, you would have to be a sodding squirrel now wouldn't you?"  
  
"Why? Is there a problem with that?"  
  
"Well yes there is actually. It's like those bloody cats, such a pain in the arse....literally....you're one of those special cases..."  
  
"Oh really?"  
  
"Yes. Apparently according to the powers that be...I'm just doing my job. I do what I'm told. I don't even get paid very much. Apparently, squirrels can have as many lives as they think they can get away with."  
  
"I see....so I'm not dead?"  
  
"You're dead, but not quite.."  
  
"Right, I'll be going now"  
  
"Oh bloody...piss it all to hell, I don't have time to deal with smart-arses, I've got some cats to see....those bloody things, the way they meow and shit all over the place, and they smell bloody awful, all over the furniture,"  
  
Conker wakes up to find himself at the entrance to "Windy"  
  
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A/N: Well, that was it, other chapters are up, and they're funnier than this, I hope......R&R please....this is my first fic.  
  



	2. Windy

Chapter Two - Windy  
  
  
Conker wakes up in Windy. He sees a sign in front of him.   
  
Conker - "Nasty or nice?"  
  
Then Conker hears a conversation between Ms. Bee and 3 wasps.  
  
Ms. Bee (while sobbing)- "Oh that nasty husband of mine left me...oh whatever shall I do?"  
  
Conker's thought - Oh really? I'm not surprised  
  
Wasp 1 - "Just forget about him dear, he's a useless nobody, you can find another husband..."  
  
Wasp 2 - "Yeah, he's right, there's a new bee in town, I think you'll like him."  
  
Ms. Bee - "No, my Bob is irreplacable."  
  
Mr. Bee approaches Ms. Bee with the sunflower by his side.  
  
Ms. Bee - "How dear you show your face around here you monster!"  
  
Mr. Bee - "You think I was coming back for you toots? I came back to get my underwear and condoms."  
  
Ms. Bee throws a box lablled "Ralph Laurens and Socks" into the river.   
  
Ms. Bee (Still crying)- "There's your stupid underwear and your damn condoms."  
  
Mr. Bee - "Hey! What'd you do that for?!"  
  
The 3 wasps, Mr. Bee, Ms. Bee and Sunflower gets into a fight. Conker walks to them.  
  
Conker - "Hold it people!"  
  
All - "We don' have any money, PISS OFF!"  
  
Conker - "What? why would I need money? Anyways, I know one intellectual who can solve all your problems..."  
  
Crowd - "JERRY! JERRY!"  
  
Jerry - "Ok folks, have we got a show for you today, our topic is "My husband left me for a sunflower", and on stage we have Ms. Bee. And for those of you who just tuned in, we already talked with Panther King and Ze professor about their problem, but now we're having another Sunflower problem. Now Ms. Bee, can you explain to us what happened?"  
  
Ms. Bee - "My good-for-nothing husband left me for that bitch sunflower."  
  
Jerry - "I see, well let's bring out Mr. Bee and the Sunflower."  
  
Crowd - "Boooooo!"  
  
Mr. Bee and Sunflower walk out.  
  
Mr. Bee and Sunflower - "What? What'd we do wrong? Piss off!"  
  
Jerry - "Ok now, settle down. Mr. Bee, do you have anything say for yourself?"  
  
Mr. Bee - "Yeah Jerry, I got something to say, *beep* you all, you mother*beep* and *beep* me if you don't think I can *beep* a sunflower."  
  
Jerry - "Ok, now Sunflower, how do you feel for Ms. Bee"  
  
Sunflower - "Well, Bobby here made a good choice leaving that skanky *beep*."  
  
Ms. Bee leaps at sunflower and they both start biting each other, Ms. Bee tackles Sunflower down. Bodyguards pull Ms. Bee away from tearing out all of Sunflower's petals.  
  
Crowd - "JERRY! JERRY!"  
  
Jerry - "Ok, now let's hear from the audience."  
  
Audience Member - "Yeah, I got something to say to that man-slut over there, if you don't know how to treat women, you might as well *beep* men you *beep* jerk.  
  
Mr. Bee - "*Beep* you, I know you want me *beep*, jealous of a sunflower?"  
  
Mr. Bee give Sunflower a kiss. Audience member gives finger to Mr. Bee and sits back down and looks away in disgust. Panther King and ze professor roll their eyes.  
  
Panther King - "Hey Bee-boy, you wouldn't know women if one came up to you and bit your *beep*"  
  
Mr. Bee - "*Beep* you cat-boy, go shove that professor and his teddy bears up your *beep*."   
  
Panther King runs to Mr. Bee and snatches his crown.   
  
Panther King - "HA! I have your crown, whatcha gonna do now sissy?"  
  
Mr. Bee starts chasing Panther King, the professor presses a button on his remote control and tediz's come and take's down Mr. Bee. Audience comes and helps out either the Tediz or Mr. Bee.   
  
Among the fight - "*Beep* you *Beep**Beep**Beep**Beep*, not my leg!!!*Beep**Beep**Beep*you *Beep* pervert, *Beep**Beep**Beep**Beep**Beep*now*Beep**Beep*sh-*Beep*f-*Beep*"  
  
Bodyguards finally break the fight, seperating the Panther King and Mr. Bee.  
  
Mr. Bee - "I'm ok boys, I'm ok....you can let me go..."  
  
Bodyguards let go of Mr. Bee.  
  
Mr. Bee - "You *Beep*-ing as-*Beep*-le."  
  
Mr. Bee charges at Panther King and the fight continues. Again they are seperated.  
  
Panther King - "You were born in your mother's *Beep* you *Beep* a-*Beep*  
  
Jerry - "Ok Bee, settle down now, we don't want to call the cops."  
  
Jerry (To the bodyguard quietly) - "Get the *Beep* out of here"  
  
Mr. Bee - "I'll show you who's a *Beep*"  
  
Fight continues, Mr. Bee knocks out Jerry and Jerry grabs on Mr. Bee's leg and bites it.  
  
Mr. Bee - "Ow! The *Beep* is biting me! The *Beep* is biting me!"  
  
Panther King - "You were born in you mother's *Beep* you *beep*! The world is mine! The world is mine you *Beep*-ing a-*Beep*!"  
  
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Meanwhile, back at Windy's...Franky and co. are watching T.V in the barn.  
  
Paint Pot - "Ha! Did you see that *Beep* bite Mr. Bee! That was gold!"  
  
Paint Brush - "Yeah, that *Beep*-ing *Beep* bit Mr. Bee"  
  
Paint Pot - "Do you always have to copy what I say? Hey Franky, look, there's a little fella over there comin' through the door. I think it's your turn to kick his ass"  
  
Paint Brush - "Yeah Franky, go on over there and kick his ass"  
  
Franky - "I ain't kickin'! It's always my turn to kick their asses."  
  
Pot - "Franky, just go over there and kick his ass for f*cking sake."  
  
Brush - "Yeah, go kick his ass, I'm a paint brush, I'....I don't kick ass."  
  
Pot - "I'm a pot, I'm a fuckin' pot for gods sake, go and kick his ass."  
  
Franky - "I..I...oh, ok I'll kick his ass...but I'm not going over there he can come over here."  
  
Conker walks over to them.   
  
Franky - "WHAT THE DAMN DIDDLY-SQUAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BARN!?!?"  
  
Conker - "Well, I never. It's a talking pitchfork."  
  
Franky - "Not from around here, are ya boy?"  
  
Conker - "No. I'm from the twenty-first century."  
  
Franky - "I don't rightly recollect liking your type..."  
  
Franky starts chasing Conker around the barn.  
  
Conker - "HOLD UP!"  
  
Everything freezes, except Conker.  
  
Conker - "PatrickSim? You there?"  
*Taps glass*  
  
C:....er....hello....  
  
Conker - "Right, Hi, well, you named this Fic 'Conker's Good fur day', thus, Pitch-boy here shouldn't be chasing me..."  
  
C:.......er....sorry....  
  
Everything rewinds.  
  
Franky - "I reckon I like your type...would you care to join our brunch? It's a mix of breakfast and lunch, I don't see the difference but there's a cantoloupe at the end..."  
  
Conker - "Uh, no thanks, I just wanna get home."  
  
Pot - "But you have to stayyyyyyyyyy........"  
  
Brush - "It's blisssssssssssss.........."  
  
Conker (afraid) - "Uh....ok, whatever you guys want..."  
  
-A while later-  
  
Franky - "Would you like some more tea little fella?"  
  
Just then, Giant Hay jumps down.  
  
Giant Hay - "So, my nemisis is defeated...time to wander around, aimlessly..."  
  
Franky - "Hey, it's Mr. Big Hay, let's invite him over! Hey Mr. Big Hay, wanna join out tea party?"  
  
Mr. Big Hay - "Ok"  
  
Mr. Big Hay skips and hops to the table like a little girl, he takes a sip of tea and half of him melts off.....exposing his robotic eye.  
  
"Buff you, asshole!"  
  
Mr. Big Hay starts jumping up and down and the ground breaks...Camera shows Mr. Big Hay crying like a little baby.  
  
Franky - "It's ok big fella, here stop yer squirming and we'll fix you right up!"  
  
Mr. Big Hay gets fixed up by taping some hay back to him.  
  
Mr. Big Hay - "However can I thank you?"  
  
Brush and Pot in unison - "HOT SEX! Franky, get the camera!"  
  
Pot - "Mastreo!"  
  
Porn music plays....  
  
Conker - " I don't think I like the sound of that music..."  
  
Franky - "I don't think I like the sound of that music either."  
  
Franky sets up the camera.  
  
Conker climbs up the ladder and takes one look back....Pot is giving it to haybot doggy-style and Brush is just....brushing away...Franky vomits.  
  
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Conker finds himself in a grassy area with a lake beside it...and several catfish occupying the lake.  
  
Mrs. Catfish - "Yoohoo! Squirrel person. Are you begging for food, meow?"  
  
Conker - "Wha?"  
  
Mrs. Catfish - "Well, there's this awful awful brute swimming around. He's terrible, and he's stolen our valuable belongings. We need somebody disposable to go in and, well, get rid of him. Meow."  
  
Conker - "What the hell are you talking about being disposable? And if I help you, what's in it for me?"  
  
Mrs. Catfish - "Word has it that a little red squirrel is new in town and is trying to find his way home, I can tell you where to go...Meow."  
  
Conker starts swimming and makes it to the room with Carl and Qeuntin.  
  
Carl - "Well hello there, aren't you the handsome one?"  
  
Carl spins around and Qeuntin appears.  
  
Quentin - "Fuck off!"  
  
Conker - "What the hell? A cog that is a transversite? Why I never..."  
  
Quentin - "Bring me back me cogs or fuck off!"  
  
Carl - "I'm terribly sorry, he's always like that...it seems my....partner....here lost some of his mates, would you be kind enough as to go fetch them for both our sakes?"  
  
Quentin - "Fuck off, give me a blow job or fuck off!"  
  
With that being said, Conker took off Carl/Quentin and put him on Mr. Big Cog.   
  
Carl - "Oh yes baby!"  
  
Quentin - "NOOO! Not Mr. Big cog!!! That's me buggered"  
  
Carl - "I don't see what his problem is, I find this rather delicious!"  
  
With that, Mr. Big Cog started spinning cause of his hormones, pulling back the Dogfish.   
  
  
Mrs. Catfish - "Ladies! Ladies! Meeow. It's that squirrel person again.How are you? I see our brutish friend didn't get his vittles today."  
  
Conker - "Yeah, well, time enough for that. Uh, I need the combination thanks."  
  
Mrs. Catfish: "Oh no no, no you don't seem to understand, yes, you don'tunderstand us. We can't go about giving classified information like that just to anybody. Meooow. We will open safe, won't we ladies? Hmm. Lead the way, hmm!"  
  
The safe opens up and Conker walks in.  
  
Conker - "Hello? Money, where are you?"  
  
Money - "Oh Conker!!! You've come to save me from those lesbian fish! Thank you!!!"   
(I know it ain't this easy, but it is a good fur day...)  
  
Money jumps up to Conker but falls into a hold in the middle of the vault. Conker jumps in also. Down there are 2 imps playing pokemon. (Wtf is this?)  
  
Imp 1 - "Ha, I beat you, I beat you!"  
  
Imp 2 - "Hey look at this, there's a pokemon right there!" *Points to Conker*  
  
Imp 1 - "Let's go catch him and fuck him! Just like Ash, Misty, Borck, and the others do with their pokemon!!"  
  
Imp 2 - "Uh, yeah, let's fuck him!"  
  
Imp 1 - "Wait, what do I do with the card?"  
  
Imp 2 - "Shove it up your ass!"  
  
Imp 1 - "But I like this one!"  
  
Imp 2 grabs the card and shoves it up his ass. They both hop into the Boiler.  
  
Imp 1 - "Pokeball, go!"  
  
Boiler throws pokeball at Conker and knocks him out.   
  
Conker wakes up later in his room with arms around him.  
  
Conker - "Oh Berri, I had this nightmare where I thought I was in this weird place with perverted paint brushes an-"  
  
Voice - "Who are you calling perverted?"  
  
Conker wakes up yet again and finds himself outside the vault. It seems the Money knocked him out when he jumped to him.   
  
Mrs. Catfish - "Ladies, he finally woke up! Now Mr. Squirrel, time for your prize, $1! Meow"  
  
Conker - "$1?! What the hell?"  
  
Mrs. Catfish - "Yeah, %10 of $10 is $1."  
  
Conker - "How about this, I keep everything you bucth lesbians?"  
  
The chain holding the Dogfish snaps and eats all the Catfish. (Ok, it's a really good fur day).  
  
Conker - "Thanks doggy."  
  
Dogfish growls at Conker. Nervously, Conker goes in the water to swim back out. The dogfish chases Conker all the way to the shoreline, just about as Dogfish takes a bite out of Conker, Nemesis appears and shoots a rocket at Dogfish and it blows up.   
  
-silence-  
  
Conker - "Uh...thanks Nemesis...."  
  
Nemesis gives Conker a thumbs up and smiles...then walks away. Conker leaves the area into Pooland...he finds a hill and starts climbing...eventually he comes across a dung beetle.  
  
Dung Beetle - "Who the fuck are you?"  
  
Conker - "Me? Who the fuck are you?  
  
"I'm a dung beetle, I roll shit around. *Beep* knows what for.  
  
"Well I'm Conker and I'm trying to find my way home. Can you help out?"  
  
"Huh? Ok, go in this mountain and ask the lads in there, they travel more than I do."  
  
"How do I get in?"  
  
"Oh, sorry, I'll get out of the way"  
  
Dung Beetle moves out of the way revealing a passage. Conker goes in and bumps into another dung beetle  
  
Conker - "Hey, watch where your going bud."  
  
Dung Beetle - "Eh. Alright there. Take my advice and get outta here. There's summtin really bad in there. You just don't wanna go in there."  
  
"Calm down. Now, just calm down and tell me what's the matter."  
  
"Right. Ok. It all started about two days ago..."  
  
"It was me and the lads, we were gonna have this massive orgy. Bazza went to get the toys and I went to get the milk. We came back and Tezza was gone! Bazza was next.  
  
He was just walking along minding his own business when a giant hand grabbed him and pulled him under.  
  
And I thought to myself "Oh no. Oh oh I'm getting out of this!" And when I came out, cause I thought it was all clear, the lads were gone. The bastards had nailed me in. I'm outta here. You can do what you like. There's some money up there if you can be arsed to get it. Seeyas."  
  
The dung beetle leaves and Conker walks the path, and see some swet corn.  
  
Conker - "Sweet corn eh? How you guys doin'?"  
  
Deep Voice - "Bring me sweet corn!"  
  
"Who's that? Can't see anyone....hmmmm....ok....if that's what he wants."  
  
To Be Continued....  
  
A/N - I know I skipped a lot of stuff but didn't see anything else to add with the bats and their radar, or the cogs, or the other stuff....well, anyways....hope you liked this chapter. Oh and btw, if anyone feels disrespected by me writing something about a gay character, I don't mean it, I respect the whole lot of ya's, ok? And I don't think anyone here cares if I dis pokemon again...right? right guys?!? But seriously, if you want me to stop talking about something, just tell me and I'll stop...R&R Please...pretty please with a cherry on top?   



	3. GMP, Uga Buga, and Jerry Springer...

Chapter 3 - Great Mighty Poo/Uga Buga/Jerry Springer  
  
  
Conker made his way on the path to knock out the sweet corn with his trusty frying pan. When knocking one out, he then proceeded to throwing it at the pool of poo. The sweet corn floats in the poo for a while. Suddenly, the corn is sucked under but then pops back up again yelling as he pulls away here and there until he gets sucked under again.  
  
A figure emerges from the pool of poo.   
  
Sweet Corn (Sobbing) - Noooooo! Let me go, let me go!  
  
The Blob of poo swallows the sweet corn whole, then he starts singing...  
  
Great Might Poo - *Cough* Memememe....  
  
I....am....the great mighty poo, and I'm going to throw my shit at you!  
A huge supply of tish comes from my chocolate star fish,  
How about some scat, you little twat?  
  
Conker throws toilet paper at GMP when he decides to practice a few notes...  
  
Do you really think you'll survive in here?  
You don't seem to know which creek your in...  
Sweet corn is the only thing that makes it through my rear,  
How do you think I keep this lovely grin? *Grin with ting sound*  
Have some more caviar....  
  
Conker throws 2 more rolls of toilet paper at GMP. Soundtrack then turns to GMP X...(the pressure is on)  
  
Now I'm really getting rather mad,   
You're like a niggly tiggy shitty little tagnut.  
When I knock you out with all my bab  
I'm gonna take your head an ram it up my butt!  
  
Conker - Your butt?  
  
GMP - My butt!  
  
Your BUTT!?!  
  
That's right my butt!  
  
ew  
  
My butt!  
  
eww  
  
MY BUTT  
  
ewww  
  
My BUUUUUUUUUT  
  
After throwing 3 more rolls of toilet paper at him, the GMP lets his anger out by screaming to the top of his lungs, shattering the nearby glass. Conker runs over to it, dodging the great balls of poo along the way. He grabs the flusher and pulls.   
  
GMP - Ah you cursed squirrel look what you've done. I'm flushing I'm flushing! Oh what a world what a world. Who would have thought a good little squirrel like you could destroy my buitiful claggyness. Oooh I'm going! Ahh. Aaaahh. Nooo! Aaaaaahhhhh!  
  
Conker - Now that's what I call a bowel movement.  
  
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*Knock on the door*  
  
Berri answers it.  
  
Berri - He'd, like, better have a good excuse this time. This is the last time he stands me up.  
  
*Berri opens door*  
  
"Conker! I've had just about...*gasp*...who are you?  
  
Rock guy stands there.  
  
"Look, whatever your selling, I'm just not interested. Well?  
  
The rock guy punches Berri, knocking her unconscious.  
  
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Conker falls down to a door where the GMP was flushed. He approaches two of Panther King's guards. One guard is crapping behind a rock.  
  
Skinny Guard - You'll have to pay the toll.  
  
Conker - You mercenaries, here ya go, a thousand dollars.  
  
"Thank you"  
  
"Can I get through?"  
  
"Hey, I'm not finished yet. We're looking for someone to model for The Village People magazine...and I think, by the description given to me, you fit the bill."  
  
"I'm not a model."  
  
"Yes you are, you fit the description perfectly."  
  
"Oh really? Well, uh, could you describe your description to me?"  
  
"Well, short, light, and ugly, red fur, big bushy tail...and twitchy nose. You're a model alright, and you're coming with me."  
  
Skinny guard grabs ahold of Conker.  
  
"Hey, I told you I'm not a model, now get your hands off me."  
  
"Well, what are you then?"  
  
"I'm a Nemesis. Models aren't short light and ugly, they're big, carries a rocket launcher, and has tentacles."  
  
"What?!"  
  
"Yeah, and as for twitchy noses..."  
  
"They don't have them? Are you sure?"  
  
"Psh! Of course I'm sure! Cya!"  
  
Fat guard finishes his crap and walks out just as Conker is leaving. Fat guard looks at skinny guard, then at Conker, then  
at Skinny Guard again.  
  
Skinny Guard - It's alright, he's not a model, he's a Nemesis.  
  
Fat Guard - A Nemesis? You stupid twat....  
  
Conker - Oh yeah, let's see. *Whistles*  
  
*Money jumps out of Skinny Guards pocket and hops back to Conker*  
  
Conker leaves the area just as Nemesis approaches the 2 guards.  
  
Skinny Guard - You there, you're coming with me....  
  
And we'll leave them at that.....  
  
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Conker heads out to venture his new destination, a cavemen-theme world ran by a weasel mob...To his left is a Club called "Rock Solid" and to his right is the entrance to the temple of the Uga's. Conker decide's to go in the Temple.  
  
*Dramatic music plays as balls of lava are hurled into the air in front of a big dino-sculpture*  
  
Conker - Hey, maestro! Don't you think that's a little bit too dramatic? Can you give me something with a bit more of a beat?  
  
*Caveman theme plays*  
  
"Yeah. That's better."  
  
Conker makes his way through the temple, past worshipping Uga's and such...He makes it to an area with a big egg in the middle. conker sits on the egg and gets comfortable. It hatches some time later and a baby dinosaur comes out. Eventually, he sacrifices the Dino and makes his way in the Dino-sculpture where he finds a dead Uga leader. conker takes the cap and moves on. Upon walking out....  
  
Uga 1 - Hey, who's that?  
  
Uga 2 - It's the leader!   
  
Uga 3 - The leader...  
  
Uga 4 - The leader...  
  
All Ugas - The leader is good the leader is great, we surrender to him, as of this date.  
  
Homer Simpson isn't affected by the chant, and continues eating his porridge.  
  
Uga 1 - Our edibles aren't effecting this one, he's not getting tired, he even ate my serving!  
  
Uga 2 - I have an idea!  
  
All Ugas (to batman theme) - Leader, leader, leader...na na na na na na leader....  
  
Homer - Leader! Batma--I mean Leader!! I love the Leader!!!  
  
All Uga's grin happily and starts following Conker. Homer go chases a butterfly...whee!   
  
Conker leads his little gang to the entrance of the Rock Solid Club, beating on whoever dares to oppose the leader.  
  
Rock Solid Guard - Your not invited, go away!  
  
Conker - Oh I think we can convince you...  
  
*Uga's growl at the guard*  
  
Guard gulps and let's Conker in.   
  
Conker's thoguhts - Well, a rock club...what am I even doing here?!? stupid author..  
  
C: ....er....I can read your thoughts, as can everyone else....  
  
Conker - Oh sorry....  
  
Conker takes a look around...  
  
-Some rock folk gettin' it down at the dance floor  
-A full service bar  
-Some Uga's hanging out in weird hats....  
-Berri dancing in a cage...  
  
Wait a minute....BERRI?!?  
  
Huh?...well...there she is...  
  
Well, knowing Conker, the only thing to do in a situation like this is to drink!   
  
Conker's thought's - Oh boy, I think I've had a few too many...ohh....I need to go to the bathroom....oh shit...rock guys don't need to use the bathrooms....  
  
So Conker decided to piss on the rock guys instead. They got up and punched Conker in the face.  
  
Conker - HOLD UP!!!   
  
Everything freezes except Conker.  
  
C: Now what? Viewers are trying to read, you can't just keep on doing this Conker...  
  
Conker - Whatcha talking 'bout PatrickSim(Gary Coleman style). Well, I have a complaint also, you write me in so that I have to piss on rock dude, this isn't beneficial unless you enjoy seeing me....hey, wait a minute....SO THAT'S WHY YOU DID IT? JUST TO SEE ME GET KNOCKED OUT?!? WELL I QUIT!  
  
C: Hey, I didn't mean anything by it, this is a puzzle-solving level...as you know from your bad fur day. Well, I guess I'm trying to say is that I don't want you to quit, come on! I'll do anything...  
  
Conker - Anything? Well, you can start by letting Berri go.  
  
Everything rewinds...  
  
Conker walks into the club. Right in front of him is Berri herself, dancing to the music. All of a sudden, the cage breaks (that's stone age technology for ya) and Berris is set free. Conker jumps down to her.  
  
Conker - Berri! What are you doing here?  
  
Berri runs past Conker and exits the club.   
  
Conker - Wha? I was just wearing a frickin' cap, and she didn't recognize me? Wha-  
  
Money - Hey! There's money over here.  
  
Conker approaches Money.  
  
Money - Here I am ya greedy bastard!  
  
Conker - Who wants to be a millionaire? Me, actually.  
  
Conker makes his way to the exit. He is stopped by the club guard and is taken to see the boss.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Mob Boss - Well, about last week's mission...who was the one left the evidence? Was it Mr. Yellow? Or Mr. Red? Mr. Blue?  
Ah.....Mr. Green....  
  
Mr. Green - Boss! I didn't know the cops could trace my sperm! I honestly didn't  
  
Boss - You have DNA in it you stupid twat! The cops almost got us! This is what you get for semi-failing me...  
  
Boss takes out a bat and beats Mr. Green to death.   
  
Boss - Let this be a lesson to the rest of yas...capiche? Now, lets get to business.   
  
Club Guard - Hey boss, this guy was snooping around the club and took some money from yas...  
  
Conker - Hey, uh...I didn't know it was yours, I can give it back to you, I even got a little extra, heh, you can take those from me as well.....  
  
Boss - I'm not angry with what you did, you can keep your money...but you'll have to me a favour...  
  
Conker - A favour?  
  
Boss - Well you see...I feel like seeing the Uga temple blow up...  
  
Conker - Why would you want that?  
  
Boss- It could be that I like explosions, or I'm a little deranged, or maybe I have no reason at all....or maybe the author forgot this cutscene and is making it up as he goes....there are many reasons you see...  
  
Conker - Uh...ok, I'll do it...  
  
Berri walks in.  
  
Conker - Berri!  
  
Boss - Hm? Do you know this guy?  
  
Berri - Like, why would I know some cave-guy?  
  
Boss - She says she doesn't know you...  
  
Conker - It's me Con--  
  
Boss - Enough, it's time to go to work...  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Conker successfully delivered the bomb to it's rightful target....(details aren't necessary here...) But now he had to get out of here...And through the magic of writing a fanfic, Conker made his miraculous escape.  
  
After exiting the temple, Conker meets up with some surf-dudes...  
  
Uga 1 - Look, ugly squirrel there  
  
Uga 2 - We bonk him now  
  
*BONK*  
  
When Conker came to, he found that his pockets were empty, and a group of Uga's counting the cash they mugged...  
  
Uga 1 - We buy at McDonald's now...  
  
Uga 2 - No...Burger King better, choice of rings or fries..  
  
Uga 3 - We buy crack and marijuana....  
  
Uga 4 - We buy Lotto 649....just imagine....  
  
Uga 1 knocks Uga 4 off his board.  
  
Conker - Hey! Give me back my money!...You can't go into a prehistoric world without getting mugged nowadays...  
  
Ugas - Huh? Our money now  
  
Uga 1 - Race for money, you use Richard's board...  
  
And so the Uga's took off. Conker hops on the surfboard and starts the race. There were times where it seemed hopeless, but the mighty pan never fails. Knocking out the other surfers, Conker got his money back, only to crash into a curb landing in the middle of an arena....how ironic...  
  
Buga the Knut - Stupid squirrel come into my arena.  
  
Jugga - Little squirrel has big boner (A/N: I jumped to that awfully quick....)  
  
Buga - No one has bigger bone than Buga! Buga show squirrel how big Buga bone is!  
  
Buga hops down onto the platform with Conker.   
  
Buga - I have biggest bone of all!!!  
  
Conker - You care to bet on that?  
  
Buga - Hm? You challenge me?  
  
"Well, you see anyone else here?"  
  
"Buga wants to fight!"  
  
"So Buga doesn't have a big boner anymore?"  
  
"What!?! Buga will show you!"  
  
After biting Buga's ass off, his loincloth falls off, revealing the all mighty bone. They engage in another conversation.   
  
Conker - Big Boner my ass!  
  
Buga - No!  
  
Buga looks at Jugga, who's laughing her ass off. Embarrassed, Buga runs off and crashes into a wall, creating a giant hole.  
  
Conker - Well viewer, as you might have been wondering, Buga proposed that he had a big bone, after his defeat, he charged off, now it's time to see who really has the biggest bone!!!  
  
C:....Conker.....you forgot to tell them....  
  
Conker - Huh? Oh yeah, the author of this story is not, I repeat, _not_gay_. Now let's head to the contest.  
  
A/N: This is just a bonus for those of you who are still reading my story, I thank you to the bottom of my heart.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Crowd - Jerry! JERRY!  
  
Jerry - Alright, welcome back to our show, for those of you who just tuned in, we are now gonna compare the bone's with each character in Conker's Bad Fur Day! Please welcome our first contestant, Mr. Bee!!!  
  
Crowd - Booo!  
  
Mr. Bee - *Beep* off ya little *beep*  
  
Sunflower (In the corner quietly) - Yay!  
  
Jerry - Ok, settle down people...next we have.....the Great Mighty poo himself!!!  
  
Crowd - Ewwwww  
  
GMP - Have some more caviar.....  
  
Jerry - Now GMP, don't be throwing shit at my audience now....  
  
GMP sits down quietly and eats some corn.  
  
Jerry - Gregg!  
  
Crowd - Yaaaaaaaaay!  
  
Gregg - What the bloody hell am I doing here? Ah! The bright light, the screaming people, oh piss off! all of you! You can scream at me when your dead you little pricks!  
  
Jerry - Dung Beetle!  
  
Crowd - *silence*  
  
Dung beetle takes his seats quietly...  
  
Jerry - Dung beetle, are you crying?  
  
Dung Beetle - *sniff* no, something just caught in my eye...*sniff*  
  
Jerry - Oh, ok, next we have a Tedi!  
  
Crowd - *silence*  
  
Tedi holds up a machine and shoots off half of the crowd. The rest of the audience cheers.  
  
Crowd - TEDI! TEDI!  
  
Jerry - And finally, we have Rodent!  
  
Crowd - *Applause*  
  
Jerry - Let's see what the contestants have to say...  
  
Mr. Bee - *Huh? Wha? Uh...yeah, I have the biggest bone  
  
Crowd - BOOOOOOO  
  
GMP - I have the great mighty bone and I'm going to shoot my sperm at you.  
A huge supply of...  
  
Jerry - Ok, no need to get into a song now..  
  
Gregg - What the bloody hell are you little bastards talking about? My entire body is made up out of bones you smart-arses. Oh forget it, just piss it all to hell!  
  
Dung Beetle - Me and the lads agree I have the biggest bone...not that they would know...  
  
*Silence*  
  
No one understands the Tedi so they will just have to play along..  
  
Crowd (After Tedi's speech) - Yaaaay!  
  
Rodent - I have the biggest bone because they did another experiment on me...  
  
Crowd - *stares mindlessly at Rodent*  
  
Rodent - It's in revelations people!  
  
Nelson Muntz - Haw Haw!   
  
-Some time later-  
  
Jerry - Ok, all of us are done! All the contestants has have their bones measures and well, the results are in and we have our winner...  
  
Everything freezes....  
  
A/N - Ok, I'll freeze it here, I know, I know, the suspense is killing you right? Feel free to write in your review who you think has the biggest bone, not that this is a poll or anything. Oh and one last thing, I was thinking about changing the GMP song...but why mess with a good thing???? R&R Please.  



	4. Spooky/Biggest Bone

Chapter 4 - Spooky...  
  
  
Conker walks into the hole Buga made. He finds himself on another beach-like shore thingy. He swims across to find Gregg swiping his scyth at a few catfish.  
  
Gregg - I don't bloody believe this! They got fish versions of the little bastards now!  
  
Conker - Oh, hello Gregg  
  
Gregg - Ugh...still not dead eh? you little prick. Well, it seems you'll have to go up there to that house to find your bloody home. And there are bloody undead there too! What's the bloody point? I just don't get it! Anyways, take this shotgun and kills those bastards again for me...that's all, piss off!  
  
Conkers walks past the gates leading to the mansion.  
  
*Birdy pops up*  
  
Birdy - Hello, it's me again, Mr. Scare-a-row Birdy. Right. What seems to be the problem? Oh yes, you need manual. Otherwise...no, doesn't work. It'll costs ya.  
  
Conker- Hey, shouldn't you have been back at Windy to give me this maunual? Anyways...how much?  
  
"You got an mepsipax?"  
  
"What's mepsipax?"  
  
"Well, it's this new alcoholic drink, you switch it around and it says 'Pepsi Max'..."  
  
"Huh? Well, I don't have any..."  
  
"Don't matter. Uh....$10, you love, you love manual long time....trust me."  
  
Conker hands Birdy the $10 he got from Rock Solid. Birdy hands over manual. And inside are pictures of Birdy naked posing for Conker...and at the end is a copy of "The Village People Magazine" and on the front cover is none other than...Nemesis!   
  
Conker - What the hell?!? How does that help me?  
  
A zombie walks toward Conker.   
  
Conker - Pf, after looking at "the manual", you guys don't seem so scary after all....  
  
After blowing the zombies head by shooting them in the head, Conker makes it to the front gate of the mansion. He enters and immediatly hears a voice.  
  
Voice - Eleanor......help us Eleanor....Eleanor....  
  
Conker - I'm not Eleanor! What the hell is wrong with everybody today?  
  
-Silence-  
  
He walks up the stairs and heads to the left...and hears the footsteps in a room underneath him....  
  
Below, Jill is investigating the dead body of a villager. The door opens.  
  
Jill - What is that?  
  
Barry - Jill?  
  
Jill - Hi Barry? Why on earth are you here?  
  
Barry - I'll be examining this.   
  
Jill - Barry? Barry?!  
  
Barry - I just had something I wanted to check, I think I'll stay and look around more.  
  
Door opens again.  
  
Chris - Woah!  
  
Barry - What the hell?  
  
Jill - Chris? you're here too?  
  
Barry - I think I'm beginning to understand...  
  
Jill - That was what I was going to say!  
  
Barry - Chris is our old partner you know...  
  
Chris - Hey, we're partners are we? Let's work together.  
  
Barry unzips his pants.  
  
Barry - Look at this.  
  
Chris - Wow!  
  
Jill - What is it?   
  
Barry - What do you think of it?  
  
Chris - Protect yourself, perhaps that was most important part.  
  
Barry - Ok, let's go!  
  
(Chris unzips his pants)  
  
Chris - Ok, I'll go first...Damn, it's broken.  
  
Barry - Seems like it.  
  
Chris - Oh my god!  
  
Jill - Hey, what's going on?  
  
Barry - Alright, can you do it?  
  
Chris starts jacking off and making the moaning sounds as if he was being attacked by a zombie. He stops and Conker can hear liquid hitting the ground.   
  
Barry - Lost courage already?  
  
Chris - I'm sorry for my lack of manlyhood, but I'm not use to exorting men...  
  
Barry - Jill! Let's do it!  
  
Jill - Barry, don't screw up again.  
  
Barry - Jill sandwich, right...  
  
Barry - Let's go!  
  
Sounds of grunts and screaming are heard...then silence.  
  
Jill - Thanks Barry  
  
Barry - Yeah yeah...  
  
Door opens.  
  
Rebecca - Is this a meeting room or something?  
  
Chris - Is that you Rebecca? Rebecca....Can you do it?  
  
Rebecca - Yes I can! May I practice for a little while?  
  
Barry - See, just relax...and play.  
  
Rebecca "practices".  
  
Rebecca - Chris, look at this! You like it?  
  
Barry - That was great!  
  
Chris - Let's do it!  
  
Rebecca - I feel like we're having a secret meeting!  
  
Chris and Rebecca starts doing it unstoppablely.  
  
Barry (through all the screaming) - Look at those monsters!  
  
Rebecca - CHRIS!!!  
  
Barry - He can sing!  
  
Jill - Chris....?  
  
Chris - Rebeccaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!  
  
Barry - Well, I think I'll go and get some fresh air for a change.  
  
A/N - The above were taken from what the characters say in the game....but maybe a little change was made, but the lines were from gameplay/cutscenes...  
  
Conker - I didn't need to hear that...  
  
Count Batuala - Welcome...  
  
Conker - Huh? Who are you?  
  
Count - I'm your great great great great great great great great grandfather.  
  
Conker - I don't think your that great.  
  
Count - Just shut up and take off your pants.  
  
Conker - But I'm not wearing any pants....  
  
Count - What the hell? well....seeing as how this is your good fur day and the author only decided to bring you in here was for the RE bit....I'll give you the 3 keys to let you out.  
  
Conker leaves and sees Mr. Barrel.   
  
Barrel - Hop on. Only way out.  
  
Conker hops on and rolls his way down back to Windy....where he gets knocked out by a rough landing made by Mr. Barrel...  
  
A/N - That's the end of this chapter, next chapter is "It's War!" Enter the Tediz.....Oh, I bet your wondering about The Jerry Springer Show (Who has the biggest bone)....well, here he is! I put this in here so the people who don't know about Resident Evil can still laugh at something....I hope....  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Jerry - And we're back! Last time we left, the contestants had their bones measured, and we have the results!  
  
T.V Screen shows to a table chart below...  
  
Mr. Bee - .64 inch  
GMP - 10.12 inches  
Gregg - 2.01 inches  
Dung Beetle - 1.99 inches  
Tedi - 2.99   
Rodent - 2 inches  
  
Jerry - There you have it, we measured the longest bone in each character, the spinal cord, and here are the results. Well, It seems the towering Great Mighty Poo has won.   
  
Mr. Bee - That's not fair, he's a giant, of course he has the biggest back.  
  
GMP - Go *beep* yourself and your *beep* sunflower.  
  
Sunflower walks up to GMP and bitch-slaps GMP. They both get into a catfight.  
  
Crowd - Jerry! JERRY!  
  
Gregg - Look at these little bastards pulling each others hairs off, they have no bloody respect for their hairs, just look at me!   
  
Tedi - *Mumbles something under his voice*  
  
Gregg - You got something to say? You little prick, come say it in my face you *beep*-*beep*.   
  
Tedi charges at Gregg and they get into a fight.   
  
Rodent - Oh shit! I got a war to fight, cya guys later.   
  
Jerry - Ok, time for my final thought. I don't think it matters how big our bone is, just how big our heart is. And if these delicate creatures could get along, w--  
  
Dung Beetle comes along and rapes Jerry Springer.  
  
Crowd - JERRY! JERRY!  
  
GMP - You lousy *beep*, go *beep* your *beep* bee.  
  
Gregg - Ah you little bastard! Take this you smart arse! I'll see you in hell! Piss off!  
  
Tedi - Uncle! Uncle!  
  
*Fighting stops, everyone looks at Tedi*  
  
Tedi - Uh...I mean...*says something in raspy voice*  
  
Fight continues.  
  
Cats come on stage and Gregg chases after them.  
  
Dung Beetle - AHH! The *beep* is biting me, the *beep* is biting me!!!  
  
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A/N - Well...that was chapter 4...with a little Resident Evil mix, a little Jerry Springer....And who would've thought GMP had the biggest bone? That was spooky...wasn't it? Read and review please.   



	5. It's WAR!

Chapter 5 - It's WAR!  
  
  
A newsreel plays showing mini-scenes of war.  
  
Announcer - It' WAR! Are you fed up being pushed around by Tediz? Want to do something that will go down in history? Sign up for the army and go kick some Tediz ass! You will learn how to control state-of-the-art technology and hand-to-hand combat, as well as hwo to handle a firearm. What are you waiting? Join NOW!  
  
Conker comes too have that bumpy ride with Mr. Barrel. He notices that he's back in Windy, and a particular door that was locked before is now wide-open. He goes in to find himself on a mini-beach.   
  
Sarge - Ok soldiers! It's tim....Oh, there's only 1 of yas...Ok, it's your duty as a brave young squirrel to show the Tediz what we are made of by fighting in this war. But, one of our bombers have crashed right in the gateway to the ocean, the only way our ships can join the squirrels who are fighting as we speak. We need you to clear the way so we can help out the recruits. You're dismissed!  
  
Sarge walks away...singing a song...  
  
Sarge - I don't know what I've been told....ladadadaladada  
  
Conker walks up to a restroom and knocks on the door. A guys carrying a pack of dynamite on his back.   
  
Dynamite Guy - Uh, what do you want?   
  
Conker - Uhm, you have some dynamite, and I need to clear the bomber so some guys can help out other guys kill some bad guys...  
  
Guy - Yup, that's me, I have dynamite...but do you mind pushing me? My legs is tired from all dat crappin' I been doin'  
  
Conker - *sigh*  
  
Well, Conker pushes 2 dynamite guys to each side of the bomber and then takes a swim in the water.   
  
Eel - What the hell are you doin' in my water boy?  
  
Conker - Uh, it seems to be that there are some power sources that need to be revived in order for this base to function again....  
  
Eel - No need to use fancy-arsed vocabulary on me boy, I'll help you out, only if you beat me at Po-  
  
Conker - HOLD UP!  
  
C:.....*sigh*....what now?  
  
Conker - Not another pokemon game! I've had enough of that for one day...  
  
C: Well what do you suggest?  
  
Conker - Anything that doesn't end in -mon  
  
C: As you wish....  
  
Conker - That was too easy.....  
  
Eel - I'll help you out, only if you play Tea Party with me.  
  
Conker - What?!? Ok...whatever....  
  
Conker dresses up like a little doll.  
  
Eel - Would you like some more pink tea? Mr. Conkie?  
  
Conker - Uh...what's in this pink tea?  
  
Eel - It tastes real bad, but is suppose to drive an indiviual's sex-urges by %200....  
  
"Really? Can I have the recipe for this pink tea?"  
  
"You can get it at a bar, it's called 'Tequila', that's how I got mine, and it doesn't taste as bad as people say it does..."  
  
"You had some? How are you feeling?"  
  
"Quite horny, care for a fuck?"  
  
"Oh god...."  
  
Conker starts swimming away, but the eel continues to follow. Conker leads him through the 3 rings and the base is officialy on-line. 2 of the lights explode due to high amounts of electricity, and the sparks light up the fuse attached at the Dynamite Guys back.  
  
*BOOM*  
  
The way is cleared and the Sarge appears to congratulate Conker.  
  
Sarge - Good work trooper, now our boys can go out to sea, I expect to see you on the boat in 5 minutes.  
  
Conker - Hey, I never said anything about fighting in any war, I just did it cause the author wrote it in.  
  
Sarge - Well, I understand your reasons, and--*Smack*  
  
Conker is knock out cold by the Sarge.   
  
When Conker wakes up, he sees that he's on a boat out at sea.  
  
Conker - Hey fellas, any idea where we're heading?  
  
-silence, one guy vomits due to "seasickness"-  
  
Conker arrives at the Tediz island, only to be greeted by a hail of machine gun fire. Conekr ducks into a drench just in time, there is a squirrel right beside him.  
  
Conker - Hey buddy, How do I get out of here?! I'm not even suppose to be here.  
  
The squirrel looks at Conker, then let's out a wild scream, then charges out of the drench and into the Tediz base. Conker hesitantly follows. On his way, he bumps into a Tedi.  
  
Tedi (In raspy voice) - Mother%&!@  
  
Conker - Uh, nice to meet you too....do you know how to get me out of here?  
  
The Tedi rasies his gun at Conker...  
  
Conker - What are you doing?! I didn't do anything to you, oh shit!  
  
Just before the trigger is pulled, the Tedi's head gets shot off. A figure approaches Conker.  
  
Conker - Uh, hey, thanks dude.  
  
The figure in the shadows tosses 2 CMP150's at Conker.   
  
Rodent - You can call me Rodent.  
  
Before Conker can say another word, a barrage of bullets forces Rodent and Conker to run for cover. Will miracles never cease? Only you and Rodent made the run.   
  
Once inside the Tediz fortress, Conker and Rodent met up with the undercover squirrels (dressed up as Tediz), MeatSim1, MeatSim2, KazeSim1, KazeSim2, and DarkSim.  
  
MeatSim1 - What are we gonna do man? We're gonna be blown to bits when we go through this door, you dig?  
  
KazeSim1 - I say we just charge in there  
  
DarkSim - Well Conker, what do you suggest?  
  
Conker - Here's the gameplay, MeatSim1 and MeatSim2 will charge in 10 yards square in. KazeSim1, you do the fly. KazeSim2 go to the left and do the twinkie. DarkSim, you go 5 yards out and hook. Rodent...you go 5 yards square out. I'll do the slant.  
  
They did their game plan, the room was cleared, but some people didn't make it. A message text box was in the bottom left corner of Conker's vision.   
  
"Killed TediSim1"  
"Killed TediSim7"  
"MeatSim2 died"  
"MeatSim1 died"  
"Killed TediSim2"  
"KazeSim2 died"  
  
The rest were huddled together.   
  
DarkSim - Almost half of our team are wiped out! Good gameplay...  
  
Conker - Oh well, easy come, easy go...  
  
All of a sudden, there was a hail of bullets and DarkSim fell to his knees and died. KazeSim turned around and saw 4 Tediz wielding AR34's. He charged to them, but was taken down without a sweat.  
  
Conker and Rodent were thrown into seperate jail cells beside each other.  
  
Conker - So what's that fancy suit your wearing?   
  
Rodent - Uhm, it's an experiment, sort of a body armour.  
  
"So it's bullet-proof?"  
  
"No, it's, well, practically everything-proof, at least that's what they said."  
  
"Anyways, does your suit have a way to get us out of here?"  
  
"Yes, I have a plan."  
  
Rodent turns toward the patrolling Tedi.   
  
Rodent - "Uhm, guard, my stomach hurts, I need to see a doctor..."  
  
A/N - I will now translate everything the Tediz say as of this point.  
  
Tedi - "Do you think I was born yesturday? I've heard that one before"  
  
Conker - Good plan you got there  
  
Rodent - But guard, my stomach really hurts...  
  
Tedi - Shut up!  
  
Conker - Give it up, this is embarrassing.   
  
Conker throws himself back at the wall while Rodent thinks of a plan to get out. He put his hands in his pockets and lets out a sigh...he feels something in his pocket.  
  
Conker - What's this? *Pulls out "manual"*...hm, this could prove useful.  
  
Conker shows the front cover of "The Village People" mag. The Tedi rushes over.  
  
Tedi - OMG! That's the bonus january issue, I've been searching everywhere for it!  
  
Conker - Let us out first.  
  
The Tedi unlocks Conker's cell and snatches the manual. While reading, Conker delivers a sucker-punch to the back of the Tedi's head. He picks up the K7 Avenger he had and unlocks Rodent's cell, but the keys have no effect.   
  
Conker - What? I'm sorry dude.  
  
Rodent - It's ok, go on without me...good luck Conker.  
  
Conker - Thanks.  
  
With that, he heads out of the jail area, shooting all the Tediz he sees. He reaches another room. Conker peeks inside before steping in. What he sees will haunt him for the rest of his life....  
  
Tedi 1 - Men In Black who like to f*ck each other, scene 5, take 2  
  
Tedi 2 - Action!   
  
Paint Brush(From Barn Boys) - Look Pot, there's an alien....  
  
Paint Pot - Yeah, I see him also, we'd better f*ck him...  
  
Conker - HOLD UP!  
  
C:.....I know, I just scared myself.....  
  
Paint Brush, Paint Bot, and all the other staff vanishes into thin air.   
  
Conker - This whole character-author interaction bit is getting pretty old you know? And one more thing, if you write what I say, how come your letting me boss you around?  
  
C:....ok, we'll skip ahead...   
  
Conker - Whatever...  
  
Conker's thought - HA! Sussed him...  
  
PatrickSim's thoughts - Damn! He sussed me!  
  
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Conker looks around the box and sees a Tedi occupying a machine gun ready to fire at Conker. He ducks behind the box again.   
  
Conker - Hello? Mr. Tedi?  
  
Tedi - What is it, beotch?  
  
"Uhm, right, this is a good fur day, not a bad fur day, so can you please just get off the machine gun and let me play with it?"  
  
"Uhm, why should I leave just because you're having a good day? What about me? I never had a good day, it ain't fair!"  
  
The Tedi hops off the machine and pounds on the ground with his fists crying like a little baby. Conker hops in the machine gun and blows the Tedi to hell.  
  
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Gregg - TIM! TIM!  
  
Tedi starts waking up.   
  
Gregg - YES YOU BOY! YOU'RE DEAD! DEADER THAN DEAD. DEADER THAN A DODO. DEADER THAN THE SPICE GIRLS.  
  
Tedi - Huh?  
  
Gregg - Oh bloody hell, just piss it all. This is the 13814th time I've done this, and I haven't received my bloody paycheck yet.   
  
Tedi - Where am I?  
  
Gregg - Your dead, are you bloody deaf? Did the Prof. forget to add brains to you when he bloody created you?  
  
Tedi - I guess so.  
  
Gregg - Well, your going to go to hell now for all the piss-poor things you've done in your life. That's all, piss off.  
  
The Tedi walks off, and Gregg is left alone.   
  
*meow*  
  
Gregg - I didn't hear that...calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean. *Gregg starts massaging his own head*  
  
*meow*  
  
Gregg - Oh piss it all to hell, YOU PRICKS! JUST BE A GOOD CAT AND PISS OFF! *sigh*.....5...4...3...2...1...  
  
*Another dead Tedi falls from the sky in front of Gregg*  
  
Gregg - Here we go again for the bloody 12315th time...Bloody war, can't even get some time off to get my bloody furniture   
cleaned, bloody cats, shitting all over the place....grrrr.....  
  
Nelson Muntz - Haw Haw!  
  
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Conker hops into the machine gun and awaits the ambush by the Tediz.   
  
Announcer on P.A - Base cleared all Tediz report to area 291 for "Code Pink"...  
  
Conker - Oh no! Base cleared? We lost the war?  
  
The machine starts sinking into the ground, Conker is being transported to area 291. When he arrives, he sees Tediz everywhere, relaxing in spas, getting massages, eating cotton candy, and watching the Tele-Tubbies on T.V.   
  
Conker taps the screen.  
  
Conker - "Hey PatrickSim, now THIS is a good fur day, take some notes down, you lazy bastard."  
  
Conker is then immediately transferred right in front of the T.V. Hundreds of Tediz stare angrily at him...  
  
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Rodent - "And Conker's B.O smells like chicken dammit!"  
  
The 3 Tediz in his cell laughs their head off....literally...  
  
Rodent picks up the guns and ammo and leaves the cell. He was making his way along the hallways of the jail area. He opened a door slightly to find that there was a movie set, but no one was in there...suddenly, a door across the room opened.   
  
Conker - No guys, what are you gonna do to me?  
  
Tediz - Just move it along ya bum.  
  
Paint Brush, Paint Pot and the other cast members appeared.  
  
Tediz - We never got to finish our movie cuz of you, now all of y'alls gonna pay.   
  
Paint Brush - Word' up, dog!  
  
Paint Pot - A squirrel? Hey, it's this guy again. Where'd you find this character? He ain't representin', he ain't keepin' it real.  
  
Tediz - Listen up my brother, we're on a deadline and we get whoever we want.  
  
Conker was thrown onto a bed.  
  
Tedi - ACTION!  
  
Paint Brush (Pointing at Conker)- Look, Pot, this guy saw an alien, we'd better flash him to make him forget.  
  
Pot - You are right, let's f*ck him first.  
  
They both advanced on Conker. Then, Nemesis appeared.  
  
Nemesis - WHAT THE F*UCK ARE YOU DOING TO MY CONKER?!?  
  
Everybody looked around.  
  
Tediz - Oh my god! It's Nemesis?  
  
*All the Tediz rush to him*  
  
Tediz - Can we please get your autograph?!  
  
Nemesis - GIVE ME BACK MY CONKER!  
  
Tedi - Hey look, you're noting but a failed project that was clumsy enough to fall into a vat of who-knows-what, then got defeated by some rail-cannon, so you're not one to talk to us...  
  
Nemesis breaks down and cries.  
  
Tedi - Hey, we didn't mean anything by it...  
  
Nemesis gets up, and slashes the Tedi in half.   
  
Rodent - Calm down now, Nemesis.   
  
Tedi - Hey! What's Rodent doing here, he's suppose to be captured! Get him!  
  
2 Tediz hold Rodent by the arms and drag him out of the room, while a 3rd one walks with them holding Rodent at gunpoint.  
  
Nemesis - *Sniff*I think we need to see Jerry...  
  
Conker - Again? I'm getting tired of having to wait around for PatrickSim to finish typing that fake show.  
  
Everybody - IT AIN'T FAKE!  
  
C: Conker, we'll let you and Rodent continue your adventure while they keep Jerry Springer company.  
  
Conker - *phew* Thanks, your first smart move in the entire story PatrickSim, congrats...  
  
C:.....er.....shuddap..  
  
Conker heads out of the moive set. They wound up outside with 3 Tediz and a Tedi Commandant about to give the order to shoot at Rodent.  
  
Commandant - Ready! Aim! Fire!  
  
Rodent ducks into his suit like a turtle, the 3 Tediz shoot at him, unable penetrate the armour, they keep on shooting, hoping to do some damage...  
  
Conker uses the situation to his advantage, and starts shooting at the 3 Tediz.  
  
Tedi 1 - Great, we have to die again.  
  
Tedi 2 - Ah, get use to it, we'll go to a better place  
  
Gregg - I'll show you a bloody good place!  
  
Tedi 3 - That's me buggered...  
  
Commandant - No! Please! Spare me, and I'll grant you 3 wis--  
  
Conker shoots the Commandant right in the head before he could finish his sentence.  
  
Conker - Rodent? Are you ok?  
  
Rodent - I'm fine, thank you Mr. Squirrel. Let's go, and if we see anything dangerous, just hide behind me, I'll protect you!  
  
Conker - Uhm, sounds a bit strange, but ok...  
  
Rodent (In Gregg's voice) - Strange? It's the best bloody deal your going to get you little prick!  
  
Conker - Uhm.....right....  
  
Conker starts walking the path, along walking, he spots a spider-robot come out of the ground.   
  
Rodent - Hide behind me Mr. Squirrel!  
  
Conker does as he's told. The spider blows up in contact with Rodent's armour, leaving Conker and Rodent unharmed.   
  
Conker - Guess your good for something after all.  
  
Rodent - Mr. Squirrel! Watch out!  
  
Rodent pushes Conker out of the way just in time before the missile hit the ground.  
  
Rodent - Come on, Sarge told us to go this way.  
  
Conker followed Rodent, hiding behind him when Spiders appeared, and ran when a missile was about to land on them.  
They made it to a huge door at the end of a trench.   
  
Conker - Hey look! A conetext sensitive thingy...*presses B*...a bazooka! Now that's more like it!  
  
Rodent - Look Mr. Squirrel! *Points to the sky*  
  
Conker looked up, and saw the Tediz were being air-dropped onto them.  
  
Conker - Oh crap!  
  
With the bazooka, Conker blew some Tediz right out of the sky. But he realized that they were out-numbered and had to get cover. He started shooting at 4 locks on the huge door. It swung open.  
  
Rodent (Somehow he survived the air raid) - Come on, let's go!  
  
Tediz - Well, that whole being parachuted-to-ambush-them was a wole waste of time, their gonna get to the tank now!  
  
Tedi 2 - We're questioning our ways a lot, we are pretty stupid creatures aren't we?  
  
Tedi 3 - Man, now what are we suppose to do?  
  
The Tediz take out a hacky sack and starts playing.  
  
When they went through the other side, there was a tank sitting across from them.  
  
Rodent - Wow! It's the brand new class 22 tank, we've only heard rumours about it being complete, but...  
  
Conker - What the hell is it just sitting here for? Why aren't the Tediz using it?.....Pf! Seems like the Tediz want us to win.  
  
Rodent hops in and Conker does so too.  
  
Dr. Caroll - Do you have any idea what you're doing?  
  
Conekr - What the hell is this thing doing here? Hey Caroll! Go back to the Perfect Dark section of--  
  
Dr. Caroll - Do you have any idea what you're doing?  
  
*Boom*  
  
Dr. Caroll is blown up by the tank and Rodent drives.  
  
Rodent - So Mr. Squirrel, how's life been treating you?  
  
Conker - My name's Conker, and I don't understand, why haven't I found my house yet?   
  
Rodent - I don't know, hey, look up ahead, there's a tower...  
  
Ze Professor (At the turret gun on top of the tower) - Mwahahahah! Now we'll see who gets the duct tape!  
  
He starts shooting at Conker and Rodent. Luckily, the tank can take it, but not for much longer.   
  
Conker - GO GO GO!  
  
Rodent - But the bridge isn't lowered, I can't get across!  
  
Conker - *ahem*  
  
C:.....*sigh*....  
  
The bridge lowers and Rodent is able to drive across. Several Tediz are hiding in the sand, but since Conker isn't out of the tank *cough* coward* *cough*...  
  
Conker - Shuddap!*  
  
...Rodent easily drives over them. They also shoot tank shells at the supporting beams of the tower, causing it to fall.  
  
Ze Professor - Why am I such a fat bas-....  
  
The tower collapses causing a big hole to appear at the middle of this area.   
  
Conker - Guess I'm gonna go that way.  
  
Conker hops out of the tank and into the hole...  
  
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He lands in an underground lake area. He sees the back of a little girl in the middle.  
  
Conker - Hey little girl, it's not safe to be out here all by yourself, where are your parents?  
  
The little girl keeps her back at Conker and doesn't answer.  
  
Conker - Uhm...ok...  
  
Then, the little girl does a 180 with her head...  
  
Little Girl - See what your F*CKING daughter did?  
  
Conker (A little wary)- But...I don't have a daughter...  
  
Little Girl - *Exorcist Noises*  
  
Rodent's tank drops in. Rodent gets out...  
  
Rodent (In slow-mo) - Cooonker....NOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
The platform the little girl was standing on opens....revealing a Tediz experiment, spider legs with a Tediz upper body.   
  
Little Girl (in cute little girl voice)- Ok, today's lesson are double-barreled mini-guns, firing at a rate of a billion jillion zillion bullets per second.   
  
Conker hops in the tank with Rodent.   
  
Conker - Come on! Hide in one of those small tunnels  
  
Rodent drive the tank inside the tunnel with a trail of bullets behind them.  
  
Little Girl - Yay! *claps hand and giggles like a little school girl*  
  
When the Tediz reload, Rodent drives out of the tunnel and gives the little girl a missile. The little girl gets blown off the Tediz hand.   
  
Little Girl - *More Exorcist noise* F*ck you!......(Back in little girl voice)...no, no, must stay calm now.....calm blue ocean...calm blue ocean..  
  
The Experiement picks up Little Girl and puts him back on his hand.   
  
Little Girl - Next up, we have double Magneto Lasers...they don't need to reload, because they are charged up by 3 double-A energizer batteries....it keeps going and going and...  
  
The mascot for Energizer (pink rabbit) appears and walks past the Tediz experiment while hitting the drum.  
  
Little Girl - Yay! Cute little rabbit go, go! *giggles like a little school girl*  
  
Rodent, seeing this as an advantage, gives the little girl another missile in the face.  
  
Little Girl - *Exorcist noise* F*UCK OFF! I've had enough of your little....(back in little girl voice)...stay calm, must stay calm...  
And for the finale, fur-seeking missiles launchers!!   
  
Conker/Rodent - *gulp*  
  
The Experiment deploys 4 rockets, but Rodent keeps the tank in the tunnel as cover. Once the 4 rockets explode, Rodent drives the tank out and deals the final blow to take out the experiment. While bending over to pick up the little girl, Rodent notices a "Do not push button* and dleivers a missile to the back of the Experiment. The Experiment blows up.  
  
Little Girl - You *Beep**Beep**Beep*....  
  
The little girl dies and an announcer comes from nowhere to announces that...  
  
Announcer - Self-destruct system activated.....4 minutes and 30 minus T seconds until detanation. Just then, 2 spider mines appear from the Tediz Experiment and runs toward the Tank, blowing it up.   
  
Conker comes to and sees Rodent lying beside him. Conker kneels to him...  
  
Conker - "Rodent....He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician... and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us.''  
  
Announcer - T minus 10 seconds before detanation...  
  
Conker - What?!?!? That's not fair? I was unconscious! Oh crap....  
  
Announcer - 5...4...3...2...1...  
  
Will Conker make it out of this one alive? Tune in next time! Same squirrel channel, same squirrel time...  
  
YEAH RIGHT!  
  
*Everything freezes*  
  
Conker - *rapid breathing noises* PatrickSim, you gotta help me out here....*hyperventilates*...  
  
C:....uhm...what happened to the rude Conker who started talking back to me?  
  
Conker - Oh shove it! You know you have to help me out here! Otherwise your fic will end and all the readers will flame you for a bull-shit ending.  
  
C:.....  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Conker - "Rodent....He was a great guy, a superb soldier, a military tactician... and yet, he was mortal, like the rest of us.''  
  
Announcer - T minus 4 minutes before detanation...  
  
Conker - That's better...  
  
Conker's thoughts - Did I just sussed him again?  
  
PatrickSim's thoguht - Did he suss me again?  
  
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Conker finds himself in a hallway with laser beams in front of him.  
  
Conker - This ain't gonna be pretty....  
  
Using his techniques and agility, Conker made it past the lasers that seemed to come out of nowhere. He also had to put up with Tediz who'd ambush him at a few corners.   
  
Once outside, Conker found himself on the beach again, but with Tediz aremd with bazookas. Blowing Tediz off their feet, Conker managed to kill all of them...On the shoreline were a couple of survivors and the Sarge.  
  
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Rodent wakes up.  
  
Rodent - Ow! My head.....looks like I was knocked unconscious...where's Mr. Squirrel? What happened?....Oh yeah...there was a countdown...and an explosion...and the lookie there...there's the clock...  
  
Announcer - 5...4...3...2...  
  
Rodent - Oh Fu....  
  
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Sarge - Take off! Let's go, let's go! Now, recruits! I'd like to congratulate you on a job well done. We've won the war and defeated the Tediz Experiment.   
  
Conker - What do you mean we?  
  
Sarge - And also, please take time to salute those who didn't make it, and they will remain in our hearts until squirrels fly...  
  
*Explosion occurs in the distance and Rodent flies above the boat*  
  
Sarge - Uhm......disregard that last comment....  
  
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Conker is let off at Windy...and he sees that the windmill is destroyed. Conker walks up the hill and sees Rodent rise above the ruins.   
  
Conker - So you made it after all, good stuff Rodent..  
  
Rodent - Uh...thanks Mr. Squirrel...what do we do now?  
  
Conker - Well, I think I'll be heading into the next chapter.....I believe it's called "Heist"...  
  
Rodent - Well, I guess I'll be heading to my next chapter.....  
  
Conker - What's that?  
  
Rodent - I don' know, I think it's at the end...I'll be waiting outside the throne doors.  
  
Conker - Well ok buddy, I'll see you later then..  
  
Rodent - Bye  
  
Conker - Well, I'm by myself again....guess I have to hop into this hole....  
  
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Jerry - For the love of god, stop putting me in your goddamn Fic, I've had enough with these characters  
  
C: Do as you're told, or else I'll send you back to where I found you.  
  
Jerry - No! Anywhere but there!  
  
C: Then it's settled...  
  
Jerry - Welcome back to our show, today we have a gentle creature named Nemesis who feels as if he's been taken advantage for his entire life...  
  
Crowd - Awwww  
  
Jerry - I don't know who the hell is suppose to be supporting/opposing this, so whoevers behind the set come on out.  
  
All the contestants/guests from previous shows come back and starts scrathing each other.  
  
Jerry - What the hell?!   
  
C: I'm feeling lazy...  
  
Jerry - But I'm gonna get bad ratings  
  
C: Hey, this is my fic so I write what happens  
  
Jerry - Dammit! I quit, I'm not part of your dumbass fic anymore.  
  
C: As you wish....  
  
Jerry - That was easy....  
  
Great Mighty Poo comes along and rapes Jerry.  
  
Jerry - F*CK!  
  
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A/N - I planned to write something here...but I forgot what...oh well, I'm an idiot...anyways, this chapter took a long while to write...heist should be a short chapter, consisting of Heinrich and Matrix...so, R&R please? I'll leave you this chapter with the final words of the Great Mighty Poo  
  
GMP - The *beep* is biting me! The *beep* is biting me!!  



	6. Heist, and the final battle....

Chapter 6  
  
  
A/N - Guess it ain't as short as I thought, my imagination is too much...now excuse me while I go walk under a ladder with an umbrella.  
  
Conker jumps into the hole underneath the windmill, and lands in front of the Federal Reserve Bank. At the steps is none other than the weasel boss.  
  
Weasel Boss - Well, it's you again...I have another job for yas. Well you see, my club ain't been gettin' no business and my financial troubles are rising. I need you to get inside and rob this joint. Then bring me back some dough...capiche? And while you're doing this, my boys will have the security cameras disabled.  
  
Berri walks by wearing a catchy leather ensemble.   
  
Conker - Berri!  
  
Berri - Oh hi Conker.  
  
Boss - I thought you said you didn't know this character.  
  
Berri - Oh, he's, like, my boyfriend.  
  
Boss - Well, are you gonna do it? Or will I have to convince you not to tell the cops?  
  
Conker - ...er....I'll do it....but on one condition.  
  
Boss (impatiently) - What is it?  
  
Conker - If I get a suit as cool as hers.  
  
Boss - Done. Oh and by the way, take this bomb in there with you.  
  
Conker - Why? You said you've got boys there to disable the evidence.  
  
Boss - I saw it in a movie, and don't you _ever_ question me again.  
  
Conker - Ok, whatever you want.  
  
Conker walks into the bank.   
  
*Dramatic music plays*  
  
Conker walks through the metal detector and is traced.  
  
Weasel Guard (holds out a tray in front of Conker) - Please remove any metallic items you are carrying.  
  
Conker looks at him, then "slams" the guard in stomach with his palm. 2 guards sitting down drop their "Village People" magazine, and takes out their gun.  
  
Conker shoots them both with his twin CMP150's and shoots a charging guard in front of him.  
  
Weasel Guard (talking to his walkie-talkie behind a pillar) - Backup! We need backup!!  
  
Metal detector beeps and Weasel guard looks to see Berri shoot at him. 3 sets of blue laser fields appear in front of them and 2 Weasel SWAT Guards appear. Conker and Berri ducks for cover behind opposite pillars, just in time to avoid the rapid-fire K7 Avengers from the SWAT Guards.  
  
"Regroup!!!"  
  
With that, Conker jumps out of his covering and does a flip in mid-air.   
  
*Matrix theme plays, everything goes to slow-mo. Bullets can be seen dashing to their targets leaving a whirl of force/air behind them.*  
  
Conker gets those 2 out of the way and hides behind the pillar again.   
  
Berri looks at Conker, waiting for the signal. Conker nods and Berri jumps and does a wall-kick flip above the laser beams and disables the first set of lasers. 3 more SWATs appear, Conker flips through mid-air again, easily dispatching all of them. Berri disables the 2nd set of lasers, and a guard surprises Conker, but Conker quickly improvises.  
  
Conker turns to his side, firing his double Falcon 2s. The guard makes lightning reflexes, dodging them all.  
  
Conker - Berri! Help.  
  
The guard squeezes the trigger...a hail of bullets go flying to Conker's head in a straight line.   
  
*Everything goes slow-mo*  
  
Conker falls backwards, and the bullets skim across Conker's chest and face. Conker then lands on his back, his eyes blinded by the bright lights of the bank, but a shadow appears over him...  
  
Weasel Guard (towering above Conker) - Only a squirrel....  
  
He aims his gun at Conker.  
  
Berri (holding a gun to the guards cheek)- Dodge this...  
  
*bang*...right in the guards face.  
  
Berri - How'd you do that?  
  
Conker - Do what?  
  
Berri - I never saw anyone move so fast, you move just like them.  
  
Conker - Who's them?  
  
Berri shrugs and they hide behind the next pillars. Conker's pillar gets shot at, then at the last second, he jumps and shoots all the guards.  
  
Berri deactivated the laser grid. 1 guard is left behind.  
  
Conker runs up to him and jumps in mid-air. He kicks him in the chest, then with his other foot, kicks him again in the face. The guard falls down unconscious.   
  
One more guard appears and before he can shoot at Conker, Berri throws a knife right between his eyes.  
  
Conker and Berri steps into the elevator. The elevator closes and a piece of the pillar slides off. The elevator reaches the top floor and in front of Conker and Berri is a complex system of hundreds of lasers.  
  
Conker - Knew that was too easy...  
  
Berri - Hold on Conker, I'll take care of this.  
  
Berri kneels down beside the wall in front of the lasers. A beeping noise is heard and the lasers deactivate. Conker and Berri head inside the vault.  
  
Inside are 10 wads of 10,000 $10 bills. Conker walked towards them.   
  
Monies - So, another wise guy eh?  
  
Conker - Jet packs and butlers here I come!  
  
$1,000,000 flashes across the screen.  
  
Conker - Hey Berri! Look, I'm a millionaire!!!  
  
Berri stares behind Conker and doesn't answer.  
  
Conker - ....What are you looking at?  
  
Conker turns around.  
  
Panther King - Ah, welcome to my lair. I hope you've enjoyed your stay.  
  
Conker - Hey, you leave us alone.   
  
Berri - Don't worry Conker, I know how to deal with men like these.   
  
Weasel boss steps out behind Panther King.  
  
Panther King - Take care of her, and save the other squirrel for me.  
  
Boss - Will do boss. Sorry toots, but your time has come  
  
The boss wastes all his ammo on Berri. Berri falls to the ground.   
  
Conker - BERRI!!!  
  
Conker kneels down to Berri.   
  
Berri - Conker....  
  
Conker - Oh no...  
  
Berri dies right in the arms of Conker. Ze Professor comes out just has Panther King starts having heart pains.   
  
Ze Prof. - Now we will see who gets ze duct tape!  
  
Panther King - How can this be?!? You shouldn't be here, you died back in that other chapter!  
  
Ze Prof. - Correction, herr master, I only fell from ze tower, the author never, mentioned my death.  
  
Panther King - F*CK!  
  
Panther King falls off his throne, still clutching at his heart. A bright light appeared, and out came...Neo.  
  
Neo - Panther king, you can take either the red pill, or the blue pill.  
  
Panther King - What's the difference.  
  
Neo - You take the red pill, you'll find how deep the rabbit hole goes. You take the red, you get fast heartache relief...  
  
Panther King swipes the red pill before faster than Neo can dodge bullets. He swallows the pill, and the heartache disappeared.   
  
Neo - Damn! That's the fifth time they did this....oh well...  
  
Neo disappears.  
  
Panther King - GUARDS!   
  
Fat guard and Skinny guard appears.  
  
Fat Guard - Yes? my lord?  
  
Panther King - GET ME THE DUCT TAPE!  
  
Skinny Guard - At once...sire  
  
Ze Prof. - Oh f*ck! What iz thiz? Vhat happened to my win-win situation? That iz it! Heinrich! come to me at once!  
  
Heinrich (the alien) comes forward.  
  
Ze Prof - Ah my pet, go show them vhat your made of ya..  
  
Panther King - Oh f*ck, hey Conker! I think I'm going to need your help in beating this guy.  
  
Conker - Get me the the bastard Weasel!  
  
Weasel Boss - Shit, hey professor, I'm gonna take your side with the alien, capiche?  
  
Ze Prof - Oh vhatever the f*ck you vwant.  
  
And here are the teams: Conker and Panther King vs. Heinrich and Weasel Boss (He's substituting ze Prof. since he can't fight).  
  
The side walls open up, revealing the whole cast cheering them on.  
  
Tediz - Go for the shins! Go for the shins!   
  
Little Girl - *giggles* Go mr. alien! Yay!  
  
Franky - You show them what your made of mr. squirrel.   
  
Pot - Open a can of whoop-ass on him!  
  
Brush - yeah, whoop his ass.  
  
Everyone else - Blood! Blood! Blood!  
  
Gregg - Get your bloody nuts, get them here. Fresh and what-not. Buy the damn nuts now, you pricks.   
  
A/N: Gregg took a second job after he realized his grim-reaper role couldn't support his wife and 4 kids.  
  
Nemesis - I'll have some nuts, no ketchup please...  
  
Sunflower - Get your big, salty nuts away from me..  
  
Announcer - In the first corner, we have the defending champion, Heinrich!"  
  
Heinrich walks toward the ring, rap music is playing while he struts himself into the ring. Ze prof walks alongside him while holding a towel.  
  
Announcer - And his team-mate, the Weasel Boss!  
  
Weasel Boss walks into the ring while "mafia-type" music plays.   
  
Announcer - And in the second corner, we have the Fabled Panther King  
  
Psycho theme music plays when Panther King makes his entrance.  
  
Announcer - And last, but not least, we have Conker!!!"  
  
Lights darken, Rocky theme music (Gonna Fly Now) plays. Conker, wearing his Neo outfit, "hovers" above the ring, and is lowered slowly. In the ring, he takes off the black leather trench coat.  
  
Announcer - Tonights event is sponsered by Microsoft...Microsoft: Help us, help you. And now, without further "ado", let's get ready to ruuuuumblllleeee.  
  
Panther King and Heinrich steps into the ring first.   
  
Panther King (Pointing at Heinrich) - I'll gonna beat your candy ass down. Then, when the millions, and the millions of the Panther's fans chant "Panther, Panther", I'll take down the professor and shove him up your jerbronie-ass. Cuz I'm the most electrifying cat in sports entertainment today!  
  
Heinrich tries to "tail-trip" Panther King, but he takes a leap and takes down Heinrich as he lands. Knocking the alien down, he delivers punches after punches to the extraterrestrial's face, giving Heinrich a black eye, and a dislocated jaw.   
  
But Heinrich uses his tail and wraps it around the Panther's neck. Heinrich gets up, lifting Panther with his tail off his feet. One mistake that he made was that Panther's position in the ring was convenient enough for Panther to tag Conker's hand.  
  
Conker stepped into the ring with a chair in his hand and smacked Heinrich's back of the head. Heinrich let go of Panther and fell on his stomach. He kept bashing Heinrich's back until Weasel came in and elbowed Conker in his back of the head, knocking Conker's glasses off. Conker got up slowly.   
  
Weasel Boss - What da matter with you?  
  
Conker - You bastard, you killed my girlfriend.  
  
Weasel Boss - And I'm glad too, you little s.o.b  
  
Enraged, Conker ran towards Weasel with his chair in the air (that rhymed, hee hee). He took a swung at Weasel, but Weasel ducked and uppercutted Conker. Dazed, Conker's eye vision was a little blurry, and he stumbled out of the ring.  
  
Weasel (picking up the chair)- This is gonna be easy.  
  
Panther - Get up! Get up!  
  
Conker was on his stomach and started to raise his body. On his knees, he was knocked down again with a chair at his back.  
  
Conker - No...Berri....I will avenge you.  
  
He got up again. Just as Weasel was gonna take another swing, Conker ducked, got up, and smacked Weasel's glasses off. Conker looked in Weasel's eyes with anger. Conker advandced to Weasel, and gave him a low blow.   
  
Crowd - Ouch!  
  
Weasel (holding his nuts) - AHHH! My f*ckin' nuts.  
  
Gregg (tossing his sycth at Conker) - Here you go you little prick, kick that bastard's arse.  
  
Conker raised the sycth, and was going to whack it hard on Weasel's back. But a 2 claws held his arms back. It was Heinrich.  
  
Conker - Let go you bitch!   
  
Heinrich - Do you really think you were gonna win that easily?  
  
Panther King snuck up behind Heinrich and bit his tail. Heinrich let go in pain, and started throwing blind punches at Panther.  
  
Heinrich - The *beep* is biting me! The *beep* is biting me!  
  
Jerry (On the sidelines) - Yeah! That's it, bite his ass!  
  
Conker spotted his sycth and started to bend over to pick it up, but it was kicked away by Weasel's foot. Now it was just hand-to-hand combat.   
  
Meanwhile, on the bleachers, another fight was starting to brew.  
  
Mr. Green - Hey, you, get off my seat.  
  
Gargoyle - I was here first.  
  
Mr. Green - I just went to go to the bathroom.  
  
Gargoyle - I was just getting comfortable. And I'm not getting off anytime soon, have you ever sat on a gothic archeitecture? It gets up your arse, but if you care to come a little closer, we can discuss matters of another interest.   
  
Mr. Green steps forward and gets knocked out by the Gargoyle's punch. Mr. Blue, Mr. Yellow, and Mr. Red jumped on Gargoyle. A huge riot begins.  
  
Gregg - Now I'll show you how to bloody fight you little pricks.  
  
Gregg starts showing off his wrestling skills (Gregg had a 3rd job). And while Gregg was beating on everyone, Panther King had a headlock around Heinrich.   
  
Panther King - Who's your daddy?   
  
Heinrich (in deep voice) - Panther, I am your father...  
  
Panther King - Really?  
  
Heinrich - No, I can't back that up, so...yeah...  
  
They resume fighting while Weasel was still landing punches and kicks onto Conker's worn out body.  
  
Weasel - Heh, Gregg here taught me how to fight when I was a youngster you see? That's why you can't test this boy.  
  
Conker - Shut up!  
  
Conker threw a inaccurate punch, and Weasel retaliated by knocking one of Conker's tooth out. Conker was unconscious and Weasel tossed his body aside. He then went in search of the Gregg's sycth, which he was going to use on Conker.  
  
Gregg was using his sycth to defend himself from the cats who mysteriously appeared.  
  
Gregg - Bloody hell! My one weakness.  
  
Weasel - Hey bones, hand me that sharp knife you got there.  
  
Gregg - Go f*ck yourself you bloody prick.  
  
Weasel - Nobody, but NOBODY, talks to me like that!  
  
Those 2 start duking it out and it ended up in Weasel choking Gregg.  
  
Weasel - I'll kill you!  
  
Gregg - You can't kill me, I'm already dead.  
  
Weasel let go and noticed a red button near him. He pushed it and a metal tube shot out of the wall into Gregg's stomach.  
  
Weasel - She's waiting for you...  
  
With that, Gregg fell on his knees, and everything went black.  
  
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Dark Voice - Gregg! GREGG!  
  
Gregg starts waking up.  
  
Dark Voice - Yes you boy! Your're dead! Deader than Al Gore! Deader than yo yo's! Deader than Pokemon cards! Deader than...*Megaphone malfunctions and Rodent walks out*  
  
Rodent - It broke again!  
  
Gregg - Where the bloody hell am I? Oh shite, my shift again eh?  
  
Rodent nodded.  
  
Gregg - Oh yeah, the bloody thing does that sometimes. And by the way, not bad on the opening speech, but try to put some more bloody feeling into it next time.  
  
Rodent nodded again and walked off.  
  
Gregg - Great! Just bloody great! It's my shift during a bloody mob riot.  
  
*meow*  
  
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Back on the battlefield, Conker was still knocked out, and the Weasel found the sycth. Weasel started walking towards Conker.  
  
Weasel - For the glory of the Ashfords, you must die!!  
  
He raised his sycth.  
  
Everything froze.  
  
C:....hey Conker? You ok buddy?  
  
Conker starts waking up.  
  
C: There ya go.  
  
Conker - Shit, I forgot all about you.  
  
C: Who doesn't?  
  
Conker - Right, uhm, can you do me favour?  
  
C: Yeah, I know. Weasel sort of had his way eh?   
  
Conker - Yeah, and bad guys are suppose to lose, right?  
  
C: Yup, well, I'll let you choose you weapons.  
  
*Everything turns white, stacks of weapons appear.*  
  
Conker - Hmm....decisions, decisions. Wow, a RCP-90, I never knew you had those.  
  
C: There are other things you don't know I have.  
  
*silence*  
  
Conker - Riiiight.....I think I'll take the sword and the dagger.  
  
C: Okey doke, I'll send you back to the secne where Weasel's about to slice your head off...You know what to do.  
  
Conker - Yup....*starts laughing evilly*  
  
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Weasel firmly gripped the sycth, and as Conker started getting up, he held the sycth like a baseball bat and was ready to swing.  
  
He took his swung just as Conker ducked. Conker quickly turned around and shoved the sword right in Weasel's stomach. Weasel didn't fall to his knees cause the sword was holding his body back (ouch). Conker stood up and took out the dagger, and held it at Weasel's throat.  
  
Conker - This one's for Berri.  
  
Conker slowly pushed the dagger into Weasel's throat. Weasel let out a gasp for air and died.  
  
The End  
  
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*One day later*  
  
Conker is in bed alone.  
  
Conker - Hey.  
  
C: Yeah?  
  
Conker - I liked your ending, even though it was rather quick.  
  
C: Really? I thought I could've emphasized it a little more.  
  
Conker - I guess, but I liked the part of how Weasel got his comeuppance.  
  
C: I thought it was a little violent, even for what he did.   
  
Conker - Nah, the people love it. Oh and by the way, Weasel told everyone that you jacked off in the bathroom  
  
C: He saw that?!?....er......I'll get back to you...  
  
Conker - Heh, got him...  
  
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Weasel Boss is lying on the cold hard floor.  
  
PatrickSim - Weasel!  
  
Weasel doesn't wake up.  
  
PatrickSim - WEASEL!  
  
Weasel still doesn't wake up.  
  
PatrickSim - Oh f*ck it.   
  
PatrickSim starts bitch-slapping Weasel until he wakes up.  
  
Weasel - Huh? Where am I?  
  
PatrickSim - You dead bitch.  
  
Weasel - Where's Gregg?  
  
PatrickSim - I told him to do something for me.  
  
Weasel - Oh ok, I guess I'll be going now.  
  
PatrickSim - You dress in the manner of a male prostitute.  
  
Weasel - What?!  
  
PatrickSim - You heard me....  
  
Weasel - Nobody talks to me like that!  
  
PatrickSim - Talk to you like that?! I'm the authour of this damn story! I can do whatever I want! And nobody, but NOBODY, tells everyone I'm gay! Especially in my own FIC!!!!  
  
Weasel - What?! I never...  
  
PatrickSim - Shut up, I know what you did. *snaps fingers*   
  
Nemesis appears,  
  
PatrickSim - Take care of him.  
  
Nemesis nods, and holds Weasel by the neck with his tentacle. Then he shoves another tentacle in Weasel's face, then tosses the dead body aside. Rats come along and eat at the dead body.  
  
Stan - Oh my god! You killed...oh...nevermind.  
  
Stan walks off and PatrickSim shrugs.  
  
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C: Now, where were we?  
  
Conker - We were talking about the ening of your story, I think it was great.  
  
C: Oh yeah! But I think I'll leave it to the reviews I'll get for this FanFic.  
  
Conker - Just one thing I want, and this is the last thing I'll ever beg to you for.  
  
C: Yeah I know, you want Berri back eh?  
  
Conker makes his puppy eyes.  
  
Conker - Please? Pretty please with cherries on top!  
  
C: Yeah yeah. I'll bring her back, you deserve it. And Rareware will probably bring her back...or plan B will come in.  
  
Conker - What's plan B?  
  
C: Well, you'll either forget about it or you'll get another girlfriend. Well anyways, here's Berri *snaps finger*  
  
Gregg and Berri appears.  
  
Gregg - Here ya go you little prick!   
  
Berri - Like, don't call my boyfriend a prick.  
  
Berri slaps Gregg right in the face.  
  
Gregg - OW! Hey PatrickSim...remember?  
  
Gregg holds his hand in a fist and starts rubbing his thumb and index finger together.  
  
C: Yeah yeah.  
  
$5 cheque appears in Gregg's hand.   
  
Gregg - Thank you, you cheap bastard. What does it bloody take to get a decent pay-check these days?  
  
Gregg continues muttering as he walks out of Conker's house.  
  
Conker - You payed Gregg to Berri for me? Thanks dude..  
  
C: No need to go liberache on me now...anyways, I'll see you in my next fic.  
  
Conker - ................next fic?......shit.....  
  
THE REAL END  
  
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A/N: ....well, that was the end. I think it was half-decent enough...but who cares what I think? Please read and review. About the 2 deaths of Weasel. When Conker kills him, it was the scene from The Patriot. When Nemesis kills him, I just thought he needed to suffer more for what he did in the real game. And for those of you who didn't get Gregg's "death" by the tube thing, it was another scene from "The world is not enough". Anyways, please review....I wanna know how my first Fic went.   



End file.
